Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”

INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?

ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.

Stop me if you’ve heard this already.

-said no kid ever

I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.

Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.

Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done

My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.

Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.

I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.

Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.

This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.

I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.

some BODY once told me
Luigi Mangione

[kicks in your door to apologize to you]

After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.

Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.

I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.

He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave

Me: *wolf whistles*

you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames

A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.

i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn

If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.

Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.

My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”

[archaeological dig]

ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here

ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot

I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.

So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.

I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.

Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!

Booking Police Officer: …

I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.