why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
You Might Also Like
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
If you breakdance you buy dance.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
I’d love this…lol
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
the answer was staring at me all along
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
