Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
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My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
They’re on their honeymoon
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Camel dough
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
2023 was just a warmup
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
How does one answer this?
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.