Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
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Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.