Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
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friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
I got patted down by airport security.
Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
#winning
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
do what now??
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time