Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
You Might Also Like
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine