Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
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Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
bought wrong eggs
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.