🤣😈🤣
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ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems