Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
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how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.