Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
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welp
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
S M O L
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.