Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
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Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
The cheapest way to fly is off the handle
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Me, flirting😏
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.