Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
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Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery