Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
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WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
respect
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
today at work this lady said “it’s too bad you don’t have a tip jar. i wanted to leave you guys a tip” i said we do have a tip jar and pointed to it and she said “oh…” and walked away 😭
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Home is where your toilet is.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348