Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
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It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
I’d rather go liquor treating.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.