Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
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My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem