Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
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A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
I never needed anything more in my life
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.