Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
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I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.