Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
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People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
B
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign