Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?

You Might Also Like


What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop


A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.

He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.


getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house


If you listened to your heart please speak to a doctor cause it’s isn’t normal for a piece of meat to be speaking to you


Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?


Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.


Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen


5YO: did you go to camp as a kid?
GRANDMA: we were very lucky, we escaped France thru Great Britain
5: huh
G: what
ME: she didn’t go to camp


*gets ponytail caught in elevator door

*hands phone to stranger

“Hey, could you get a shot of this for me?”


*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”