waiter: what’ll it be?
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
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this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Me: I heard you like men with a huge collection of words that they know and can say.
Her: A vocabulary?
Me: A what?