What I say:
Get in the car
What my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
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A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
If you listened to your heart please speak to a doctor cause it’s isn’t normal for a piece of meat to be speaking to you
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
5YO: did you go to camp as a kid?
GRANDMA: we were very lucky, we escaped France thru Great Britain
ME: she didn’t go to camp
*gets ponytail caught in elevator door
*hands phone to stranger
“Hey, could you get a shot of this for me?”
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”