Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
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The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
how to market bottled water to dads
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Finally!
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.