@English_Channel

Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?

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@ValeeGrrl

What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop

@WilliamHale1

A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.

He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.

@nicolewboyce

getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house

@KKAlThani

If you listened to your heart please speak to a doctor cause it’s isn’t normal for a piece of meat to be speaking to you

@Lhlodder

Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?

@TrainedHedonist

Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.

@TheRealRHB

Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen

@MUMSIEesq

5YO: did you go to camp as a kid?
GRANDMA: we were very lucky, we escaped France thru Great Britain
5: huh
G: what
ME: she didn’t go to camp

@scorpicpanda

*gets ponytail caught in elevator door

*hands phone to stranger

“Hey, could you get a shot of this for me?”

@shadygrenade

*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”