@English_Channel

Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?

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@mrjohndarby

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle

@kaiteasley

this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in

@Heaterhotusus

Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.

-me, reading the Pringles can.

@BuckyIsotope

WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea

@katiefzack

I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”

@blade_funner

Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.

@Darlainky

*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.

@RiotGrlErin

Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.

@_NinJar

A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.

@Gooooats

Me: I heard you like men with a huge collection of words that they know and can say.

Her: A vocabulary?

Me: A what?