why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
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It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
Simple meth.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
LMAO.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome