Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*

Being a vegetarian is easy!

A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:

a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.

Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.

My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.

And then hit her head.

80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.

I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.

I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.

This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics

Them: Are you Jewish?

Me: Yup.

Them: And you’re from Toronto?

Me: Yup.

Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.

Me: Not every Jew knows each other.

Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?

Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.

Barbie gone wild

If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios

I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.

Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.

I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.

Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.

My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.

I’m so blessed.

We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.

[trying to impress a girl]

Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*

“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.

Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.

Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*

Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.

Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing

Him: You okay?

Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?

If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.

Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.

Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?

My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”

And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.

The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.

Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…

I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.

this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear