why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
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My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
What personal space?
My dog
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.