Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
You Might Also Like
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you