Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
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My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Breaking news:
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.