Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
You Might Also Like
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
You know that person who shoves scared skydivers out of the plane? I think i’d like that job
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.