Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
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Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]