Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
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BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
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[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.