Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
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Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Stay here and watch people argue or log out and listen to my family argue? Decisions, decisions
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.