Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”

*makes her laugh*

“Not you.”

my astrological sign is a french fry

I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.

Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood

Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number

Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes

Netflix and you sit over there.

Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?

Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.

Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.

[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies

You’re like if “nope” was a person.

As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it

If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?

My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu

When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.

I should have stayed in kindergarten.

For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.

The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.

I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”

*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS

Aww My microbiome is craving some fermented fruit? Perhaps some kombucha? I don’t care. I’m the macrobiome I’ll drink a Fanta lemon if I want to. I’ll swallow coins.

Going to change my wifi network name to…

Someone Please Help Me

And give this neighborhood something to talk about.

It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.

Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?

my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on

cop: you’re coming with me

me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you

cop: get in the car

me: will you take me to disneyland

cop: what do you think

me: maybe

I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.

imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly

Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *

* Looking for my gloves in the shed