Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.

Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘arrogance’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can, don’t be stupid

Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.

Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?

*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.

Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”

[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people

Ring = she’s married

Nose ring = she’s married to a bull

Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?

Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.

[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]

“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”

No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.

literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared

Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night

hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him

Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.

Me: *hanging off a cliff*

Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!

Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-

Kids: What’s for dinner?

A choir of Spring onions

boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem

me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally

I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.

Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.

All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

*Reads your ransom note*

*Edits for grammar and punctuation*

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers back

How about your kid?

every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak

Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch

Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat

My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.

It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams

[First day working in forensics]

Boss: I need you to dust for prints.

Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?

Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.

Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.

Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.

Me: Wait, what?!