Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.

The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline

I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.

I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds

I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.

animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that

8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.

Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.

what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?

Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.

Him: You hit me three times!

I’ve been learning to cook.

What kind of a cult is this?

Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.

*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
ＨＵＭＡＮ

It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.

Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”

Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.

NEMESIS: i hate you

ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend

NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?

ME: i’ll ask my mom

rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.

Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.

My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me

Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?

I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.

Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.

Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.

[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:

beast:

beauty:

beast:

beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?

*Giving TED talk*

Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!

*he does and a mousetrap snaps*

Me: trust no one

*audience claps*