why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
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me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Monica just destroyed the internet
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination