why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
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MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Covert ops
I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn