why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
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Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
When you’ve simply given up.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.