Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.

I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.

Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.

“I will cook for you.” I threatened

With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line

Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume

when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man

DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?

*takes you out several times then acts distant*

I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.

[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]

Why do you think people hate us so much?

“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”

*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*

*burns neck with curling iron*

*stabs scalp with bobby pin*

*gets hairspray in eyes*

*wears hair in ponytail*

My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”

He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”

I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.

My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.

10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.

Me: You have to do your homework.

My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?

Me: Obviously yes.

Anaesthetist: Count back from 10

Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS

I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.

Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…

Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!

Boss:

Me:

the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house

Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.

Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?

They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.

I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.

My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”

CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on

I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!

– me to my bed.

*Working at Walmart*

Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?

Me: No Ma’am, they are dead

All day: I’m so tired I could cry

12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now

i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.

[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.

Man: dog is my best friend

Dog: man is aight I guess