Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
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If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
He refuses to bathe without the Melon
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Doug is just Canadian for dog
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.