Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
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me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
💀💀
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody