Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
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Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
“Can you put it all in an email?”
Translations:
1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…
even bears disappoint their mothers
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door