Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My middle finger will be answering all questions today!

I’m putting together a team

Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.

I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.

“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”

friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol

Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”

Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.

I remember when things only cost an arm.

When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?

No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.

Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.

Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.

A drum solo but on your face.

ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26

HIM: I’m a running back.

ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.

9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal

Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.

Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.

Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of

I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti

Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing

Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.

Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.

I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece

8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?

Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts

8: Can we buy some after he dies?

Me: Sure

“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.

Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.

Jfc.

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?

You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.

Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.

Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?