Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference

ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid

me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm

I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner

Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.

I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips

my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters

[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it

Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film

After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.

Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.

me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*

Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.

Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.

No thanks, toilets that flush.

-kids

Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?

Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.

Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.

– Alien Vs Creditor.

RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.

Be the reason she can’t walk properly.

~ 5 inch heels probably ~

[presentation]

GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?

ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?

I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.

Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.

Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.

*takes off sunglasses*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.

Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.

I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here

Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE

Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.

whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist

Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?

FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.

Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.