why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
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I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Finally
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.