Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.

I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.

the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now

[getting a number at a bar]

girl: 1-235-813-2134

Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested

I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.

I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.

Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?

Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.

Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.

“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”

You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.

Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.

It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.

someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars

*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*

“What’s this idiot doing?”

My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.

Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.

Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.

Be careful what you put out there.

Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.

My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.

“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”

[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)

How about your kid?

6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]

me: [hides behind GF]

GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-

me: look, we need more strong female lead char-

Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes

I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??

Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”

The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.

“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed

Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.

Friend: How was your job interview?

Me: I think I hugged him too long.

Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.

let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.