why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
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“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
I love texting my boyfriend
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please