Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
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Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
You fuckers don’t deserve a new year, look at the mess you made of the last one.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
