Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.

some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying

How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?

I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.

*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell

Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!

My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die

My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.

based al yankovic

Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.

sometimes i miss this memes

BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”

Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park

We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol

Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.

Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.

Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*

Me: Dammit

Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.

So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.

Me: do you like my new hairstyle?

17: oh – did you do that on purpose?

My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.

Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.

If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.

I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.

They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.

“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”

“Kids, I found a campsite!”

Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.

Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.

Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”

WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!

Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend

[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there

There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too

*seductively eats two tums*