Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.

Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.

Me: First of all that’s an inmate.

[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw

mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm

mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm

me: oh stephanie you’re better than this

[aliens observing earth]

“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”

My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.

I treat the Steam store like the fridge.

I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.

The 70s had it right.

Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.

If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.

“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”

Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.

Me: we can’t climb on this

My Kid: the older kids are climbing too

Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to

My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read

Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*

I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”

David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested

No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.

beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”

I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.

When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.

Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.

A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.

I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.

Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.

if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40

All excellent questions

ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?

DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*

ME:

DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back

jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again

i mean good morning

Some people exercise every day.

I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.

My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.

Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G

A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away

A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away

My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”

On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)