People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
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May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
peak technology
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving