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You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?
like hello i was also brave today
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.