Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
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Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah