Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.

Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.

One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground

In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot

Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.

Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.

Me: And her parents are OK with this?

Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud

Me: what? What did I do??

Government: wouldn’t you like to know

I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.

While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.

Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed

People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.

PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it

ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you

Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times

Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.

Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber

I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.

Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.

Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…

I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”

So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.

Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable

What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.

me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking

friend: did it work?

me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken

My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.

So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.

Then we had a duet and my point was missed.

Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.

Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device

Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?

Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN

I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation

I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I

Godzilla was the first house flipper.

Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.

[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]

Boss: I need you to finish your projec-

[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]

Boss: Never mind