Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.

Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.

Genie: I grant you three wishes.

Bob: I want to be rich.

Genie: Granted.

Rich: I want a lot of money.

Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?

Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.

I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.

The chicken coup is unlocked!

“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”

*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*

No, Snowball

To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.

Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people

Me: correcting people, actually

I: no it’s-

Me: i know what it says

[dog wedding]

[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]

[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]

[Bride throws bouquet again]

[Groom catches..

For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.

To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.

Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.

Netflix: Are you still there?

Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?

*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*

[after dinner]

Mugger: gimme your wallet.

Me: can I keep my drivers license?

Mugger: fine.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.

Me: oh.

Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: you know what forget it.

If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.

“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”

-Me, when my husband has a cold.

[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha

Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.

If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.

I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues

Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.

#happyhalloween

So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…

Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday

My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.

Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!

The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.

I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.

I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed

God: How’s it going on Earth

Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream

God: Send a flood. Send several floods

13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.

Me: What were you doing earlier?

13: Resting so I could stay up late.