Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
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The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
People buying plungers never look happy.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.