Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
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Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Life is a suicide mission.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird