Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
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*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it
My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’tMe: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides
Personal question. #JustSaying
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
There are no pants in heaven.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Brother?
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.