Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
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Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Trying
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket