Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.

I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.

If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser

SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.

I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it

Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.

[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?

Yet the one time I did, I got banned

Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.

David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.

It’s less hassel that way.

then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing

Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂

I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.

wife: I saw a baby on the way to work

me: how do you know?

wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?

me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?

wife: what

I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.

I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?

Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.

Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness

[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”

“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.

Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.

Did you know?

A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.

And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.

I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers

Me, flirting

ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.

Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants

[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”

Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.