Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
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Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!