Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Mhm.
![]()
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Email translations:
“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
A choir of Spring onions
![]()
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
What?!?
![]()
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!