why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
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Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
[McDonald’s interview]
Interviewer: what if someone asks for ice cream when the machine IS working
Me: *roundhouse kicks the ice cream machine*
Sorry it’s out of order
Interviewer: when can you start?
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?