why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
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Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
this article brought to you by lions
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano