why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
You Might Also Like
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
no one likes gloating
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?