Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.

i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.

Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.

Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?

So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook

My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.

Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*

I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you

WTF IS AN ACRONYM

At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”

You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened

big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.

So, if he gets divorced for the third time…

Does Melania get to keep the White House?

There’s always a random piece of broccoli in my Chinese takeout. I want to call them like “who put you up to this? My mom?”

I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.

He’s Dead.

Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.

Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink

You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.

ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.

*smashes car through your living room*

Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?

Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.

Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?

I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.

Just gonna catch up and tackle him.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.

Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.

Me: I’m so stressed

Heart: play some music you’ll feel better

Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better

Brain: cut all your hair off

Me: wait what?

Brain: today.

[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.

Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?

This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.