“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
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Midwest trash talk
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.
A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people
boss: you’re not on mute
me: i know.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD