“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
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Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
anyone else like Italian cereal
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact