Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]

“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”

*covers it with towel*

“ok now it’s safe”

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now

I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.

a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT

DOG 911: He still holding it?

DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??

I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”

SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT

A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.

I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.

I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”

So anyway, he’s my new therapist.

To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.

god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy

on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps

When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.

It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.

So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?

There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.

uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…

Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems

Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“

The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.

[Movie Theater]

Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.

Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.

God: you’re a fire ant.

Fire Ant: what does that mean?

God: when you bite something it burns like fire.

Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?

God: what-no.

Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!

Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.

Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch

Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.

This is so wrong 😂

Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that

Potatoes were such a good idea

them: what’d you do on your day off

me: wake up earlier than necessary