Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
You Might Also Like
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
“i miss shittin on people”
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.