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It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.