Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
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Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
When asked my name, I always hesitate because I still can’t decide between “David” and “Dave”. The delay makes me sound like an idiot who doesn’t know his own name. Which I suppose I am.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.