Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
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Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
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I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
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me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter