Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.

Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.

Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.

Explain yourselves.

me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed

boss: ok how long?

me: just a normal bed

“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”

Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.

Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.

I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh

ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect

What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad

“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”

-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting

cop: show me your hands

dahmer: *opens fridge*

yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!

Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.

[music store]

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: sir, that’s a mandolin

replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof

I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”

My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”

I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.

Boss: you’re fired

Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?

Parenting:

1st kid: Document their every move

2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time

Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.

I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!

Took me years to rebuild friendships.