Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
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[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon